Goodbye, Love

Versi Bahasa Indonesia di sini.

Trigger warnings: homophobic, homophobia

Content warnings: the use of profanities, kissing scene

Please listen to this song as you read:

It was just one of those perfect days when Lucius could wake up next to the man who had been occupying both his mind and heart for as long as he could remember. The moment he opened his eyes, he was greeted by the figure of sleeping Fabian next to him and he just suddenly felt overwhelmed by feelings and emotions. There was no denying that Lucius loved the state they were in right now. Fabian looked absolutely stunning with lips slightly parted, eyes tightly shut, and breathes steadily inhaled.

Lucius smiled to himself at the sight. His heart was full.

Only seconds later, Fabian’s eyes fluttered open. He blinked once, twice, three times and was greeted by the sight of Lucius’ sheepish smile as the taller guy was caught staring. It was pretty impossible not to smile as Lucius had this contagious smile that you would not be able to help but smile. Fabian then leaned forward to plant a quick peck at the other’s lips.

His voice was hoarse when he said, “Good morning, darling.”

“Good morning, little prince,” Lucius replied.

“What’s on your agenda today?” Fabian asked while yawning and drawing himself closer to Lucius.

It took a moment for Lucius to answer as he had to remember what he had for today, he then answered, “I have a meeting with an investor from Chicago later at eleven. Then I have a lunch agenda with Ko Oliver as we had to run through our budget for this month. There is a possibility some things may overlap the other so we need to cross them off our list.”

“My boyfriend is booked and busy today, mmm?” Fabian sleepily asked as he wrapped his arms around Lucius’ torso.

Lucius chuckled before pursing his lips into a thin smile and gave a quick peck on both of Fabian’s eyes, “Yeah, sort of. Shall I see you later in the evening for dinner, then?”

Before answering, Fabian groaned, “No, I have that dinner thing with my parents, remember?”

“I vaguely remember, yeah,” Lucius nodded. “After that, then?”

“After that it is,” Fabian said before leaning forward to capture Lucius’ lips in a passionate kiss.

The dinner was a disaster.

Fabian should have smelled that from miles away, yet he had always been the obedient son that he could never say no. Including for this request, slash threat that his parents were making.

“You have to marry her, unless you don’t want your brother to ever come back to this country,” His father said and his voice firm and full of threats.

Fabian clutched the fork and knife in his both hands quite hard that his palm turned red from all the blood. His breath was ragged with anger and disappointment. This kind of thing should be expected, indeed, but he never knew that his parents would actually drag his brother into the hell.

Fabian scowled before he glared at his father menacingly, “Why are you dragging Nicholas into this? He is innocent. Leave him alone. You said that he was just going to study abroad for a few years and come back. Now you are bullshitting me?”

“Me? I am bullshitting you?” Fabian’s father scoffed before putting his wine glass down to the table. “You, ungrateful little bastard. You turned out gay? If you want to like a man, at least choose someone much wealthier than you! Be with a Reynaldi or Antareksa, or better yet, Syailendra. We really cannot expect anything from you, can we?”

“Why are you doing this? Why is it that you never support anything I do?” Fabian asked, his voice hoarse and shaky.

It was his mom that answered, “Because you have always been a disappointment all your life. And this is the one chance you have to redeem it,” There was a pause for a moment as she smirked, “Break up with your boyfriend so we don’t have to ruin your brother’s future.”

Lucius was already in their shared apartment — reading a motivational book just like he always did. And Fabian was about to shatter his heart with his own shattered into a million pieces before he even began.

He sat himself on the carpet, right next to Lucius’ feet which made the latter a little jittery. He put his book down as he immediately shifted his attention toward his lover whose eyes were red with tears stain visible on his cheeks. It was like an instinct for Lucius to immediately wipe his lover’s tears which ironically made him cry harder.

Fabian hated what he was about to do. Staring into Lucius’ eyes was a mistake because that man saw him like he was the universe. There was this spark in his eyes that would light up whenever his gaze met Fabian’s. Lucius always stared at him like he hung the moon and the stars, like he had his life in the palm of his hands. And Fabian could never see Lucius break as that would mean his own demise.

However, he must walk into his death right now because his brother needed him. And he had to put his brother first, because that was the only morally right choice, right?

“Why are you crying, Little Prince? Did the dinner go awful?” Lucius asked with a soft gaze.

Had this been a normal situation, Fabian would kiss him and tell him to embrace him as it was his only consolation. But right now, he had to sob extra hard knowing what he was about to do next.

So, Fabian mustered up all of his courage and said, “We need to end things, Lucius.”

“What? Why?” He asked as his eyes went twice bigger.

Fabian let out another sob, “I have to. Because my parents are banishing my brother because of me. And they want me,” Fabian sobbed real hard as he clutched onto his own shirt. “They want me to get married to a woman of their choosing.”

“And I don’t have a say in this, Bi? Are you fucking kidding me?” Lucius stepped away when Fabian extended his arm to reach him.

There Lucius was. Sitting on the carpet two meters away from Fabian with his hands covering his face. Fabian knew that he was crying and God, the only thing he wanted in this world was to be with him but the world seemed to be so extremely against that idea.

“We could have come up with something, Bi. Even though I am not from an extremely powerful family like Bang Theo, I could still do something to save your brother and us. We can fight this, Bi. You know damn well we can!” Lucius half shouted.

Fabian closed his eyes for a moment as he was thinking. He was letting Lucius’ words sink into his mind and let them reside there. But he had thought this over his forty-five minute drive from restaurant to their apartment. He knew how wicked his parents were and he knew Lucius had been banned from his own family because that guy chose Fabian. It seemed like only Lucius that had made sacrifices for their relationship. And Fabian realized that.

“You can go back to your family, Lucy. They will be thrilled to have you,” Fabian answered.

Suddenly, Lucius just got up. He snatched his coat and said, “I can’t believe I could ever say this to you, Bi, but fuck you. If you want us to be over, it is done. And you will never see me again. Have a nice fucking wedding.”

And with that, he bolted out of the apartment, leaving Fabian to cry with his shattered heart.

If Fabian did not break Lucius’ heart, his parents would broke his limbs. And to protect one of the most important people in his life, he had to make this choice.

He had to shred his world until nothing was left.